I Had Just Accepted My Pregnancy When I Was Told I Had to Terminate It

This article is part of POPSUGAR's 50 States, 50 Abortions, a large-scale storytelling project that aims to elevate the voices of people who've had abortions. For more information about how to find an abortion clinic near you, please visit The Cut's abortion service finder.

Shortly after celebrating my 21st birthday, I found out I was pregnant. I found out when I was six weeks. I was living in the Chicago area at the time, and my boyfriend and I had been exclusively dating for a little over a year. Up until that point, I didn't even think I was capable of getting pregnant because I had been having unprotected sex for several years. But when the doctor confirmed this was the reason I had a delayed period, it was not a happy moment.

I broke down crying, and I cried so hard. All I could think was "How did this happen?" and "Why now?"

When I told my boyfriend immediately after my doctor's appointment, he was surprisingly happy for us. But me? I rejected the pregnancy entirely. The baby we conceived would've been my boyfriend's 10th child, making me his 10th "baby mama," for lack of a better term. I knew that the relationship that I was in wasn't the relationship that I wanted to have a child with. I was feeling a lot of fear and a lot of insecurities.

Despite all of the sadness I felt, I had a baby inside of me — whether I wanted it or not. I did not believe in abortion, but to find myself in that situation, and I was actually contemplating it, that tore me up inside. So I decided to change my attitude. It was around the 11th week where I came to terms like, "OK, I'm not going to be depressed. I'm going to accept this. I'm going to keep this child — it's going to be great," [and] we went in to get the ultrasound.

The ultrasound didn't go as planned. I knew something was off. As the technician ran the ultrasound probe over my belly, I could tell by her demeanor something wasn't right, and then they had me get dressed and go out into the waiting room.

What felt like hours later, a doctor told me very matter of factly that my baby didn't have a heartbeat. They told me, "Oh, we couldn't find the baby." And I just remember at that moment, my heart just dropped. I didn't know what to think of the situation.

What they called it was a blighted ovum, where your body continues developing as if it's having a child, but there's no embryo. I was confused because my body was still changing. They said eventually the body will miscarry on its own. But mine didn't. (Editors' note: This may also be called a missed miscarriage.)

Again I broke down crying, this time because I had finally come to terms with accepting my pregnancy. I didn't want to seek an abortion as the doctor recommended. I got a second opinion because I didn't believe them. I'm like, "What if I go through with this abortion that they're telling me to get, and the baby is still alive?"

But the second opinion confirmed what I was already told: this baby was not viable, and an abortion was the best option for me.

I felt confused, hurt, depressed. I felt like I was being punished for rejecting my baby in the first place. When I told my boyfriend what had happened, he thought I was making it up. We drifted apart because of it and broke up shortly after.

Fortunately, I had the support of my mom when I arrived for my abortion two weeks later.

It was the 16th week when I went in and got the abortion. I was questioning everything. "Am I making a mistake?" I thought. But there, a third and final ultrasound confirmed that my baby was not viable.

The few hours following my abortion, I went home and felt like my insides were falling out. There was some bleeding, and I was in an immense amount of pain. I was so tired and confused, but the physical symptoms were only part of my recovery process — the emotional side was even worse.

I felt like because I rejected the child initially, the abortion was the universe's way of making me feel pain, and remorse, and sorrow, and regret. Fortunately, during that time, seeking therapy and leaning on my support system was how I learned to work through those voices that held no truth.

Now, as I look back on my life nearly 17 years after having an abortion, my views on abortion are totally different than what they were when I was younger. Now I know that abortion can be utilized to save lives if a woman finds herself in a situation where it is very critical to her health — which is, perfect example: me. I'm high risk; if I were to get pregnant now, an abortion would be an easier route compared to me putting my life on the line to not only carry this baby but also deliver this baby. I understand that abortion is a necessary option that can save lives.

Even if my pregnancy would've been viable, I don't have many regrets. I have four children who I love dearly, and I'm now working as a sex, love, and intimacy coach. Who knows what would have happened had I not received an abortion when I was 21. My abortion prepared me for the future I have today.

— Charelle Thomas (she/her) (Illinois), as told to Taylor Andrews

Image Sources For "Click For Stories From Each State": Unsplash / Aaron Burden, Getty / Sergii Iaremenko/Science Photo Library, Unsplash / Manik Roy and Photo Illustration: Patricia O'Connor